Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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