im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
