Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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