No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
