I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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