Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
