if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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