Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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