I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
