i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
