I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
