Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
