genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
