chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
