So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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