im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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