If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
