evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
