Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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