closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
All I want is dick and wine.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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