She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just gargled with NyQuil
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
