you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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