If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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