Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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