There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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