Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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