How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
