Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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