My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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