don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
