I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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