I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
