eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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