I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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