4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
