9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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