i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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