guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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