the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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