dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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