i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
