And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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