A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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