Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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