oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
