woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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