Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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