according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
