I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
