She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
