My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
