I wish life had little blips of pornography
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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